All that to say, I can't believe I've been home for a month and a half. Where has the time gone? I've got two weeks of my junior year of college under my belt and I turn 21 this month. Excuse me... what? Setting aside this current mid-college crisis I've been having recently, here's what the Lord has been continuing to teach me since I've been home from Peru.
Joy ≠ Happiness
If you've seen me since I've been home and asked me "HOW WAS PERU?!?" you probably received an unexpected answer. I mean, I'm surprised by my answer every time. Before I left for Peru, I thought it was going to be the summer of my life. I thought I was going to enjoy and love every single moment and never want to come home. I thought my answer to the "How was Peru?" question would simply be that it was the greatest, most incredible experience I've ever had. Not that that isn't a little true, but overall my response is a 180 from what I expected.
Did the Lord teach me a lot while I was in Peru? Absolutely. Did I build relationships that have blessed me ten-fold? Without a doubt. Did I fall in love with a sassy Quechua woman named Nicolasa and miss her like crazy? You bet your bottom dollar. (Where did that phrase come from?)
However, did I enjoy every moment? Not by a long shot. Was I constantly happy and having that "spiritual high?" Nope. Did I ever think about coming home and leaving early? Several times. Was it probably the hardest, most challenging thing I've ever done? 100 percent- yes.
So, was it worth it? Oh yeah.
I think that in our little American Christian culture, we've created this idea that if we're walking with God and being obedient and leaning on him for direction, we'll be happy. We'll be enjoying it. It'll be fun being in the center of His will.
Wrong.
God's plan is so much bigger than me feeling temporary happiness, its about experiencing eternal joy.
And, sometimes, that joy comes through going through some pretty unhappy stuff.
Yes, there are absolutely times where I am so confident that I am right where the Lord has placed me and I am so happy about it. And that makes sense to me.
So what happens when I'm just as confident that I'm where the Lord wants me and I'm not happy about it?
Well, let me tell ya because I was there. I felt guilty. I felt sinful. I felt like I was experiencing something God had given me as a blessing and saying I didn't want it.
Then, I stopped looking at myself and looked up to the Creator. This is what He showed me:
If He takes you to a place where its hard for you to be obedient and you're obedient anyway, thats faithfulness.
If He takes you to a place where you don't naturally like the people around you and you serve them anyway, that's love.
If He takes you to a place where you've never felt so weak and you keep going anyway, that's strength.
After about 6 weeks of just feeling awful sitting around trying to muster up feelings of love and obedience inside of me and getting absolutely no where, I found myself on bedrest reading Mere Christianity for the 100th time.
Christian love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will. If we are trying to do His will we are obeying the commandment "Love the Lord your God." He will give us feelings of love if He pleases. We cannot create them for ourselves and we must not demand them as a right. But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those since, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.
C.S. Lewis
I wish I could take you all back to this moment for me of revelation. God is bigger than my feelings. Joy is deeper than happiness.
I have an extremely good friend who recently lost her best friend, her mom. Is she happy about that? Of course not. But, the most beautiful thing I've seen in her is the joy that lies beneath the sadness and the hurt. Underneath the feelings, she is confident that Christ is bigger than death and this world. That, my friends, is joy.
So, what's next?
I have no idea.
All I know is that no matter what season of life I'm in, God is bigger. He is bigger than other people's choices that hurt me. He is bigger than the happiest moment of my life and He is bigger than the saddest. His plans are bigger. I'm just glad I get to be a part of them.
