Expectation

Since December 1st, I've been reading John Piper's Advent devotional Good News of Great Joy. These readings, the current details of my life, and some wise friends are just a few of the things the Lord is using to grow me this Christmas season.

I've never really participated in Advent until this year. Christmas, for most of my life, has revolved around the presents and time with family. These are good things, but I have never intentionally placed celebrating the birth of Christ at the center of the holidays. It is really easy to just throw a little Jesus in on the side to your Christmas experience; but, this year I wanted it to be different.

The Holy Spirit wanted me to approach it differently, to approach it intentionally.

Advent is about celebration.

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, wise men from the east came to Jerusalem... And behold, the star that they had seen when it rose went before them until it came to rest over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshipped him. 

Matthew 2:1,9-11

Christmas is about celebrating the first coming of Christ. It is about delighting in, treasuring, and savoring a beautiful and true story of a King lying in a manger, the Creator taking on flesh to create a way for you and for me to have a relationship with Him. We couldn't do it on our own, we couldn't overcome our sin, so He came and did it for us. 

Christmas is about celebrating this coming of Grace. Oh, that I wouldn't treat it as a children's story, but as the true account of how much my Savior loves me and the world. When I see it for what it is, I am not merely content with smiling at the lights and decorating a tree; I am overjoyed in humble worship that my Savior King has come for me. 

Advent is about expectation.

And when He (Jesus) said these things, as they (the disciples) were looking on, He was lifted up, and a cloud took Him out of their sight. And while they were gazing into Heaven as He went, behold, two men stood by them in white robes, and said, "Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking into Heaven? This Jesus, who was taken up from you into Heaven, 

will come in the same way as you saw him go into Heaven."

Acts 1:9-11

Christmas is not only about celebrating the first coming, it's about expecting the second. When we live in eager anticipation and expectation of the second coming, it changes us. If I truly believe that Jesus could come again in glory tomorrow, my life would look different. My relationship with Christ would look different.

I would value eternal things more and earthly things less.

Advent is about faith.

And blessed is she (Mary) who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord.

Luke 1:45

Perhaps the biggest lesson I am learning this week is the importance of believing God's promises. The Lord has promised good to me. He has promised me Himself, and He is the ultimate provider. Thus, if I don't have something now, it must surely mean that I don't need it now. 

I realized this week that I have believed the lie, however subconsciously, that the Lord is withholding something from me. To be completely honest, I've believed the lie that He has withheld a relationship from me. I haven't dated in college, and this holiday season has brought to light many insecurities and fears that have come with that.

But here's the truth, God doesn't withhold things from me out of spite or out of punishment. If I am not in a relationship right now, it's because I don't need to be in one. It's because God is more glorified in my singleness and I am growing the most by being single. He is wise. He loves me. He has never failed me before. I can guarantee that He won't start now and I am at peace with that. 

As John Piper put so eloquently, "The key that unlocks the treasure chest of God's peace is faith in the promises of God."

Amen. 

Advent is about community.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to faith and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you se the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25

My favorite part of this week has been sharing the lessons with some of my closest friends. What a joy it is to see how the Lord works in each of our lives individually- using the same inspired sentences and scriptures to teach us all different lessons. What a beautiful picture of community!

While the Lord is teaching me about believing His promises, He is teaching others about endurance and faithfulness. I am so blessed to have such incredible friends that seek the Lord with their whole heart and share their joy and trials with me. It makes life this side of Heaven that much sweeter and seeing the face of Jesus that much easier. Praise the Lord that we aren't in this alone. 

But I am reminded by my beautiful friend Riley that while relationships are a huge part of this life and some of the biggest blessings, they aren't the greatest gifts Jesus can give. The greatest gift He gives is Himself, and that is what Christmas is all about.

My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior for 

He has looked on the humble estate of His servant.

 For behold, from now on all generations will call be blessed; for 

He who is mighty has done great things for me, and Holy is His name. 

And is mercy is for those who fear Him from generation to generation. 

He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts; He has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate; He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty. 

He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy, 

as He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to His offspring forever.

Luke 1:46-55

Mary's Song of Praise

Thanks, Jesus, for using these two to consistently lead me to see and savor Your truths more. 

A Celebration of Life

Earlier today, we celebrated the life of the most magnificent man. My Uncle Jim lived an incredible life, and he lived it simply. 

Death is a strange thing. There is such joy in knowing that he is with the Lord, but there is such heartbreak that our time with him on this earth is over. My heart is sad for my beautiful Aunt Mildred who has spent the last 71 years with him in marriage. What a beautiful picture of grace and commitment. 

These are the words straight from my heart that were shared at the funeral today. I am so grateful that my family asked me to spill out my feelings with this short note, it is truly a blessing to reflect on the impact of such an influential person. 

_______________________

Sitting down to write a little something to share with you all about what my Uncle Jim has meant to me, to my family, has proved to be a near impossible task. How does one sum up 21 years of September birthdays, Thanksgiving feasts, wrestling matches in the living room, watching Riverdance repeatedly, and countless other traditions and memories? I don’t believe it is possible. But through all of the memories, all of the times we shared together over the past 21 years of my life, here are the things that I think you have to understand about the most incredible man I have ever had the honor of meeting, knowing, and loving:

The first thing to know about Uncle Jim is that his name isn’t actually Jim. Apparently, its John Mark, but I’m still not entirely sure that I believe that.  Jim just seems to fit too well. 

Next, its important to note that when Santa is off duty, sometimes Uncle Jim steps in.

My mom’s favorite stories about her childhood always include Christmas morning shouts of “Ho,Ho,Ho!” undoubtedly followed by the hearty laugh that is so near and familiar to us all. While I wasn’t there to share in the joy of those Christmas mornings, I have enjoyed that laugh of his that seems to come straight from an overflow of a childlike heart- the same heart that loves to spook Alyssa and Weston as they creep by his armchair to get to the kitchen and the same heart that tries to convince Amy and I that there is only enough butterscotch pie for one of us.

Uncle Jim is a servant. Yesterday, as I was overhearing conversations about the life that he lived so well, I couldn’t help but notice a theme of servanthood. Neighbors, church family, friends- no one could speak of my uncle Jim without mentioning how he is always busy helping people. From mowing lawns to home repairs to picking up donuts in the morning, he is quick to see a need, and even quicker to fill it. He does it out of love and humility, never asking for recognition or repayment. He truly is the hands of Christ. Whether they are holding the hand of a child, an offering plate, or a hammer, they are always occupied in the act of service.

Uncle Jim is humble. Of the many verses that I believe reflect the heart of such a Godly man, this is the one that sticks out most. It is from Philippians 2 and says:

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count other more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not to his own interests, but also to the interest of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.

What a beautiful picture of Christ- counting others as more significant than yourself. Uncle Jim truly lives that out by living simply, loving people, and honoring the Lord always. Wow, Jesus, make this prideful heart more like that!

And finally, my Uncle Jim loves my Aunt Mildred. Their marriage is truly a human picture of a God that pursues his people and sacrifices himself as a kindly groom for the good of his most precious bride. (Ephesians 5) I don’t know that I could possibly string together the right words to adequately describe what their marriage has meant to my life, to my walk with Christ, to my hopes for the future. Through their marriage, I have learned the meaning of commitment. I have learned the meaning of respect. I have learned the meaning of submission. I have learned the meaning of sacrifice. And, most of all, I have learned the meaning of love.

It truly is a treasure to see the face of God in this world. For some, it may be in a sunset or in a smiling newborn. For me, God has revealed Himself in the union of two imperfect people who love each other with grace that can only come from the perfect Trinity.

When I catch him looking at her with pure appreciation, affection, and pride, I see how Christ looks at me and calls me His with delight. I see the kind of love that is designed by a perfect creator to show off His glory to the world. And that is exactly what their love has done in this life, and what it will continue to do in memory for years to come.

Praise the Lord for my Uncle Jim.  I can practically see him, standing firm and still before the Savior of the World, without the weakness of this world, hearing the Holy one say,  “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Well done.” 

No less good

Earlier this year, I made a list. 

I made a list of people I’m thankful for. I would list them all out, but there would be far too many to require any of you to read. But, you should know that if you’re reading this, you’re probably on it. The Lord is so good to me. He has blessed me in countless ways, but as my junior year of college comes to an end, I’m convinced He has blessed me the most in friendship.

This year has been insane. chaotic. tragic. lost. fun. joyful. drenched in learning. unforgettable.

Basically, it’s been an emotional roller coaster.

But there has been a constant and His name is Jesus. He is constant even when... scratch that, especially when I’m not. And let me tell ya, constant is not a word you could have used to describe me this year. 

Here’s the thing though: there’s a lot of beauty in that. It’s not something to be ashamed of. There were a lot of unexpected things that happened this year and there were times when I didn’t respond like I should have. Shoot, there were times that I didn’t respond like I wanted to respond. Here’s what that taught me... I don’t have it all together. I don’t have life figured out. I can’t cruise through with nothing but myself to lean on. But luckily there isn’t just something else to lean on, there is someone else to lean on.

If we are faithless, He remains faithful

2 Timothy 2:13

The beauty in my inconsistency is that it made me dependent. 

I can’t trust myself to react the way I should or even the way I want when life throws curveballs. I can’t trust myself to choose obedience. I can’t trust myself to choose His way. And that rocks. Why? Because I have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside doing it for me. And when I choose not to listen to that, the Lord has surrounded me with countless people who know when I’m not responding to His guidance. That’s accountability. That’s friendship. Friendship doesn’t just point you the right way, it points you to the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. 

And that’s just really stinking cool.

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

2 Timothy 2:22

Ok... so that was absolutely not what I was going to write this blog about. That was really just a lot of word vomit about what's been on heart lately, I guess. It’s like I’m thankful for the crazy people that got me through this year or something... weird. 

So, now to what I was going to write about: a lesson about God’s goodness

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

I needed a lesson on my perception of God’s goodness. Luckily, I serve a good God who wants to teach me things. So, He did. And here it is:

God is not more good or less good to me depending on the circumstances in my life or in anyone else’s. I so easily get wrapped up in the idea that God is so good to ___ right now because of what He’s up to. 

And then sneaky Satan comes in and is all “Oh my gosh Brette, you need to get it together because they are doing this whole Christian thing so much better than you.”

Woah. Hold up. Red flag.

If that doesn’t scream that I am trying to earn favor with God, I’m not sure what does. Because this is what I know is true of God:

God shows His love for us in this- while we were yet Sinners, Christ died for us

Romans 5:8

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us richly through Christ Jesus our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Titus 3:4-7

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

I didn’t earn this salvation thing. There is nothing that I did, nor will I ever do, that will make God giving me the gift of salvation understandable or make sense. He did it because He is good and He loves me. And what else? He stinking gives me good gifts because His goodness and character don’t change like shadows. Man, I don’t know about you, but I’m glad that God is nothing like me because I change my mind all the time. 

And all of this leads me to believe that God is no less good to me based on what I do, what I don’t do, what my circumstances are, what He’s doing in the lives of those around me, or what Satan tries to tell me. 

God is no less good to me because of how much time I spend with Him. He is no less good to me because of how many verses I memorize. He is no less good to me because of the worship songs I listen to. He is no less good to me because of how many pages of prayer I’ve journaled recently.

As my friend Hannah says, He is good all the time and all the time He is good because that’s His nature.

Doing those things- spending time in the presence of my Savior, reading his Word, listening to music that leads me to the throne room of Heaven- increases my perception of His goodness and they are good things but they don’t make Him love me more.

I do those things because I am grateful for what He has done. I do them because I enjoy time with Him. I do them because I want to know Him more. 

I don’t do them because it brings me blessing. I don’t do them because it makes Him more good to me. 

He is good to me all the time regardless of how I spend my time. 

And that is good. 

Jesus, may the gospel continue to free me from cheap grace which ignores your law and from graceless legalism which ignores Your Son. I want to continue growing in the obedience of faith and love until the Day when Jesus, who has perfectly fulfilled the law for me, perfectly fulfills the law in me. So very Amen I pray, in Jesus holy and loving name.

Scotty Smith

As a PS can I just mention that I am so excited for the goodness of our God in blessing my beautiful, precious, wonderful, wise, charming, funny, sweet, loving friend Taylor with such a great fiancé? 

I can't wait to watch you two glorify the Lord with your marriage. 

Wow, marriage. You guys rock and He sure is good. 

Humility

And what a glorious paradox, Father: the more we come alive to the riches of the gospel, the less we obsess about our own lives. We don’t end up thinking more of ourselves, or less of ourselves; we just think of ourselves less often.

Scotty Smith

Over the course of dead week, I have spent more time on Scotty Smith's Heavenward blog than I have on D2L. This is a problem for obvious reasons, but the above quote is one of more than a few reasons for why it's been worth it.

Here's a few sayings or verses I've heard in regards to humility over the years:

• It's not thinking little of yourself, its seeing yourself and others through Christ's eyes.
• Thinking little of yourself is still thinking frequently of yourself.
• God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.

I'm sure there have been more, but those are some highlights. It's not that these aren't completely truth-based or correct descriptions of humility, its just that, until recently, they haven't made a lot of sense to me.

How exactly do you go about being humble, yet not thinking little of yourself? How do you find a balance between humility and insecurity? Are the two even related?

These are some questions I've had and here's my Holy Spirit infused attempt at answering them:

Humility doesn't come from examining ourselves, reading verses about how much God loves us, or even about focusing on scripture that tells us about our natural inclination to sin and where that gets us. I know that may seem counter-intuitve; but maybe, just maybe, humility doesn't actually have anything to do with us and everything to do with Him.

So then the Lord Jesus, after He had spoken to them, was taken up into Heaven and sat down at the right hand of God.

Mark 16:19

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, in Heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities- all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. And He is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything He might be preeminent. For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of His cross.

Colossians 1:15-20

Then I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me (John) and on turning I saw seven golden lampstands, and in the midst of the lampstands on like a son of man, clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around his chest. The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire, his feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and his voice was like the roar of many waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, from his mouth came a sharp two-edged sword, and his face was like the sun shining in full strength. 

Revelation 1:12-16

Sitting at the right hand of God, the place of authority- that's where Jesus is. The image of the invisible God- that's what Jesus is. John saw His face and said it was like the sun shining in full strength- thats who Jesus is.

Seeing Christ for who He is today reshapes my perspective and perception of everything else in and around me. That is the root of humility- not seeing myself as more or less; not seeing others as greater or inferior; but seeing Christ as King and viewing everything else through the lens of His supremacy and might.

He doesn't exist to solve my problems. He doesn't exist to lift me up and He doesn't exist to put me down. I exist to glorify Him.

But, you know the amazing part? Even though He doesn't exist to solve my problems- He cares about them.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.

1 Peter 5: 6-7

Even though He doesn't exist to lift me up- He has a way of making me feel significant and beautiful and pursued.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:10

Even though its easy to feel like He exists to point out your imperfections, mistakes, or faults- the truth is that He came to save us from them and share His perfection with us, making us white as snow.

And we know real love in this, that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

So, next time you're seeking humility, join me in shifting your gaze out and up. Focus on Him. Spend some time simply praising Him for who He is- King Eternal.

Lord Jesus, with fears for which I have no name lurking in my heart, I trust you for freedom and grace. I'm so thankful to know you, not only as a babe wrapped in cloths lying in a manger, but also as my Savior outside an empty tomb- filled with mercy and might. And now, at my Father's right hand, you ever live to advocate and pray for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. So very Amen I pray, in your fear-charming and liberating name.

Scotty Smith

Three perfect examples of blessings that Christ has given me, even though He doesn't have to. Praise Jesus for beautiful friendships, endless laughter, and donuts.

It is well with my soul

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

Psalm 146:1

A few weeks ago, I had the incredible opportunity to go home to Shawnee for Immanuel Baptist Church's Disciple Now weekend. Not only did I get to dress up like a chicken for a day, I was able to co-lead a group of sophomore girls with my sweet friend Jamie. 

On top of that, I got to tackle my little sister while in said chicken suit. It was obviously epic.

And, I was able to be encouraged my some time catching up with some pretty awesome people.

You can probably see why IBC D-Now is one of my favorite weekends of the year. But, its actually not my favorite because of everything I've just talked about. It is absolutely my favorite because God loves me enough to bring me to D-Now to lead a small group, and seems to keep me there to lead my heart into a deeper relationship with Him.

After the driest season I've experienced since becoming a Christian, the Lord used D-Now weekend to hammer a point home with me.

The highest joy of earth will not compare to the lowest joy in Heaven. 

I think that might have been what the Psalmist was getting at when he penned the words "Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere." (Psalm 84:10)

When I'm experiencing something so difficult and dry that I can't imagine an end, I can know with every ounce of confidence I have that it will be worth it because one day I'll dance in worship at the feet of the King eternal, Holy Savior, reigning on High. 

So, no matter the circumstances here on earth, I can say it is well with my soul. 

Eternity

It amazes me how I can read a certain verse multiple times during multiple seasons of life and every time, every single time, the Lord shows me something different.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions  of the heart

Hebrews 4:12

This morning, I was studying out of The Promise by Shiela Walsh and this verse was in the reading: 

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my Word and believes Him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgement but has passed from death to life. 

John 5:24

Its simple, right? Whoever hears His (Jesus's) Word and believes in Him (God) who sent Jesus, has eternal life. He doesn't come into judgement, (because of Christ's death on the Cross paying the penalty for sin) but has passed from death to life. 

Before, this verse has struck me because of the simplicity in receiving Christ and gaining eternal life. Hear and believe? Done! I'm not going to be judged for all those times that I missed the mark of God's holiness, whether by what I did or by what I thought or even when I did something good with the wrong intentions? Great!

Praise Jesus for these truths in this verse. 

So, if He's already hit those home with me... what is the new thing that popped out today?

Let's read that verse one more time, this time with emphasis added.

Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my Word and believes Him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgement but has passed from death to life. 

John 5:24

Now, correct me if I'm wrong... but, I'm pretty sure that this is saying I have already passed from death to life if I am a believer in Christ. 

Woah. Pause. 

Eternal life has already begun.

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

I guess I've never really given it much thought, but it seemed to make sense that eternal life begins after we die in our earthly bodies and put on those shiny new things that Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 5. 

But doesn't it make so much more sense that when we put our trust in God, we die to ourselves and eternal life begins then?

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

So, why does that even matter? Regardless, believers are living for eternity in the presence of our Creator, the Holy and Perfect God.

Well, let's just take a moment and relish in that statement, because that deserves some serious praise. But, seriously, what does it mean for me, today, that my eternal life has already begun?

Confidence

 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

Because my eternal life has already begun, I can be confident that I am sealed in Christ. There is nothing I can do that would put an end to eternity- its eternity. The very nature of eternity is that it has no end. I can stop doing. I can stop working. Instead, I can start worshipping. All the good works? Those are just an overflow of a heart full of worship. 

Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22

Gracious, if that's not good news... I'm not sure what is.

Courage

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:8-10

Satan is so annoying. Sometimes I just wonder if he doesn't have better things to do than to pick on me or the people I care about. Spiritual warfare is by no means my favorite. 

But, knowing that I already have eternal life, resisting him becomes so much easier because I know that Satan can do absolutely nothing to take that away from me. I have courage in my fight against him. Yes, he may make this life harder and he may make my spiritual journey have a few extra obstacles in it- but he has no power in choosing my destination. It's already been decided. And my ticket there? It was paid on the cross.

Boldness

I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life. And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.

1 John 5:13-15

Because I am secure with Christ and have already passed from death to life, I can approach the throne boldly with my requests because of the Spirit living inside of me. He is faithful to hear. I just need to be faithful to ask.

Worth

Because I have been stamped with the seal of Christ and have already entered into eternal life, my soul is eternal. My body may be wasting away, but one day I'll get a new one. 

 

I am eternal.

And the last time I checked, eternal things go for a pretty high price. 

Joy ≠ Happiness

One of the hardest things about coming back to the States after 2 months away has been adjusting back to the pace of life. There is so much to do here! When I was living in Chacapampa, I felt like the days went on for years. In Norman, I feel like the days should be measured in seconds. Time is just a hard concept to wrap my little mind around.

All that to say, I can't believe I've been home for a month and a half. Where has the time gone? I've got two weeks of my junior year of college under my belt and I turn 21 this month. Excuse me... what? Setting aside this current mid-college crisis I've been having recently, here's what the Lord has been continuing to teach me since I've been home from Peru.

Joy ≠ Happiness

If you've seen me since I've been home and asked me "HOW WAS PERU?!?" you probably received an unexpected answer. I mean, I'm surprised by my answer every time. Before I left for Peru, I thought it was going to be the summer of my life. I thought I was going to enjoy and love every single moment and never want to come home. I thought my answer to the "How was Peru?" question would simply be that it was the greatest, most incredible experience I've ever had. Not that that isn't a little true, but overall my response is a 180 from what I expected.

Did the Lord teach me a lot while I was in Peru? Absolutely. Did I build relationships that have blessed me ten-fold? Without a doubt. Did I fall in love with a sassy Quechua woman named Nicolasa and miss her like crazy? You bet your bottom dollar. (Where did that phrase come from?)

However, did I enjoy every moment? Not by a long shot. Was I constantly happy and having that "spiritual high?" Nope. Did I ever think about coming home and leaving early? Several times. Was it probably the hardest, most challenging thing I've ever done? 100 percent- yes.

So, was it worth it? Oh yeah. 

I think that in our little American Christian culture, we've created this idea that if we're walking with God and being obedient and leaning on him for direction, we'll be happy. We'll be enjoying it. It'll be fun being in the center of His will. 

Wrong.

God's plan is so much bigger than me feeling temporary happiness, its about experiencing eternal joy.

And, sometimes, that joy comes through going through some pretty unhappy stuff.

Yes, there are absolutely times where I am so confident that I am right where the Lord has placed me and I am so happy about it. And that makes sense to me.

So what happens when I'm just as confident that I'm where the Lord wants me and I'm not happy about it?

Well, let me tell ya because I was there. I felt guilty. I felt sinful. I felt like I was experiencing something God had given me as a blessing and saying I didn't want it.

Then, I stopped looking at myself and looked up to the Creator. This is what He showed me:

If He takes you to a place where its hard for you to be obedient and you're obedient anyway, thats faithfulness.

If He takes you to a place where you don't naturally like the people around you and you serve them anyway, that's love.

If He takes you to a place where you've never felt so weak and you keep going anyway, that's strength.

After about 6 weeks of just feeling awful sitting around trying to muster up feelings of love and obedience inside of me and getting absolutely no where, I found myself on bedrest reading Mere Christianity for the 100th time.

Christian love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will. If we are trying to do His will we are obeying the commandment "Love the Lord your God." He will give us feelings of love if He pleases. We cannot create them for ourselves and we must not demand them as a right. But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those since, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.

C.S. Lewis

I wish I could take you all back to this moment for me of revelation. God is bigger than my feelings. Joy is deeper than happiness.

I have an extremely good friend who recently lost her best friend, her mom. Is she happy about that? Of course not. But, the most beautiful thing I've seen in her is the joy that lies beneath the sadness and the hurt. Underneath the feelings, she is confident that Christ is bigger than death and this world. That, my friends, is joy.

So, what's next? 

I have no idea.

All I know is that no matter what season of life I'm in, God is bigger. He is bigger than other people's choices that hurt me. He is bigger than the happiest moment of my life and He is bigger than the saddest. His plans are bigger. I'm just glad I get to be a part of them.